“What did you Expect” by Paul Tripp – Book Notes and Videos

What did you expect?

Paul Tripp Videos

Summary Notes

Video #1

Grace Based Marriage – “Grace is a lifetime warranty on marriage”

  • Jesus died for my here and now and there are present benefits to God’s Grace
  • I have a deep need for God’s grace
  • Books – location of problems, but not why we struggle
  • All of us struggle, all of us have been disappointed

6 Commitments – rooted in trust of Christ, not my spouse.

-I have been given grace and I want to give it to the people I live with

1. We will give ourselves to a regular lifestyle of confession and forgiveness.
2. We will make growth and change our daily agenda.
3. We will work together to build a sturdy bond of trust.
4. We will commit to building a relationship of love.
5. We will deal with our differences with appreciation and grace.
6. We will work to protect our marriage.

(Found on Amazon.com under the book review)

“Cancelling debts” – challenges in marriage

Immaturity – “I love you”; what do you know about love?

    • Grace believes in process, delayed gratification, hanging in there because of love, dealing with the immaturity
    • Regular confession and forgiveness – we still have bad days, selfish moments
    • Point out failure, defense mechanism not thank you, offense,
    • Instead of – I see your sin, let’s deal with it under grace
    • If we cannot point out failure, we cannot have change


Grace vs enabling

  • Grace never calls wrong, right
  • Grace is needed because wrong is wrong.
  • Grace is the way we put wrongs and offenses on the table
  • Forgiving is not forgetting, we need to remember our own need for grace amidst our failure
  • Forgiveness is not holding your sin against you, you cannot forget

Nurturing Dislike

  • Is it possible to dislike someone you’re trying to love?
  • Possible to have romantic feelings in some places and keep a record of wrongs that structures the way we think about one another
  • We view one another not through strengths, but through immaturity and weaknesses.
  • We expect the worst and when you fail, we say, “here we go again” and we put up the protective wall.

Video #2


    • Definition – a vertical commitment (God), followed by a horizontal transaction (spouse)
    • Give the wrong to the Lord
    • We entrust one another to God’s care.
    • We don’t want to forgive because we want judgment. WE nurture feelings of injustice and wrong.
    • Rather, we entrust you to God’s wisdom, justice, and mercy and this frees us to forgive one another’s wrongs.
    • Do we love our need for ‘justice’ more than we love our spouse?
    • Often our problem isn’t  that we haven’t loved our spouse enough, but that we haven’t loved God.
    • We insert ourselves in his position and so we don’t love our spouse enough
    • We make it about us – our plan, justice, circumstance.


How do you fix something vertically? (Between you and God)

  • Quit telling myself that my greatest problem is outside of me.
  • My greatest difficulties are inside of me
  • The DNA of sin is Selfishness
  • Sin is anti-social so I reduce my spouse to either a vehicle or obstacle to get what I want.
  • I don’t need to be rescued from my spouse, but from my sinful, selfish instincts.
  • We are equally broken, fearful, and selfish and so we both must rely upon God’s grace.

Laziness/work ethic in marriage/indifference

  • Plant seeds and walk away, what happens?
  • We can’t be indifferent or lazy, it won’t stay healthy.

If we don’t see it modeled, how do we know?

What role does fun play? 

  • Grace causes us to not take ourselves to seriously.

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